


Guts

by head_ache



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Past Violence, Phase Five (Gorillaz), Phase Four (Gorillaz), Phase Six (Gorillaz), Sad Stuart "2D" Pot, Stuart "2D" Pot is a Mess, Stuart "2D" Pot-centric, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 09:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24847900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/head_ache/pseuds/head_ache
Summary: Stuart Pot had guts. He just didn't know that, but he did have guts. It became obvious during one of Murdoc's rages and didn't know what to do with himself, and no one else seemed to know either. That drove him desperate.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 75





	1. Crying.

Crying was a new thing. Is not that he hadn't cried ever in his life, it's just been a long time since he last cried. He just became numb to everything. His response to anything was just a sigh, maybe drink some alcohol, a smoke, and continue dealing with it. He just stopped responding some time in the past, he hadn't even noticed when he died inside of his own body, but he did, and he felt putrid now that he realised for how long he has been dead.

He sang about feelings that he didn't feel, about emotions that he kind of wanted to have, just so he could feel something again because even though he smiled it was an empty smile. He wasn't hiding any tears, because he didn't cry anymore. He said he was fine and didn't think that he was lying because he didn't feel bad either. He stood in front of an audience and he didn't realise that he never was really there, the people were chanting his nickname loudly and he smiled to it, because that's what he was suppossed to do. He just did what was expected of him.

But now, he was crying. It felt as if he got out of the water after spending a long time drowning. If felt like air was filling his lungs again. He sat on the floor of the bathroom, holding his head with his hands, sobbing loudly, shaking as the hiccups arrived. The tears landed on the floor, making a puddle under him between his legs. He cried. He cried loudly, he let go of everything he was holding back all of those years. He was sober, for Christ sake, he wasn't high off of his ass, he wasn't drunk, no. He was completely sober, his head hurt, his throat closing around his sobs. Everything hurt. But he felt alive. He felt pain and that made him happy because he felt like he woke up from the longest nightmare he's ever had. 2D felt like Stuart again, and Stuart was human, just like everyone else.

Why did that start? When? How did he start feeling again? Maybe it started a long time, maybe it was from one second to another, but as he heard Russel and Murdoc argue downstairs he felt like he got back to earth. As he looked at the blood dripping from the cuts on his arm and cheek he wanted to clean it up, and take care of himself once again, after what had been more than twenty years.

So he got up, still crying, still shaking, still sobbing his heart out, and looked at his reflection on the mirror. He remembered all of those times that Murdoc litterally abused him, screamed, hit him, kicked him, strangled him, sometimes when he even knocked him unconscious. And everytime he woke up, with an awful headache, he just drowned himself on painkillers and ignored the pain until he was completely numb. But this time, as he examined the cuts on his skin from the glass bottle that Murdoc had just thrown at him, he felt the pain, he flinched at it as he took out some remaining pieces of glass stuck on his skin, he sighed once all of those pieces were out, and started cleaning himself. His vission blury as he let the water run, and he took care of his injuries. His head filled with thoughts he didn't have before, feeling full.

And most importantly, he felt like he was ready to respond to everything he felt.

Once he was finished with his injuries, the end result a little messy as he hasn't take care to any of his wounds for a long time, but still enough, he looked at his reflection again, surprising himself at he found bright white eyes. He let out a sigh, and got closer to the mirror. It was such a weird image, it made a chill run down his spine as he watched his own eyes intently. His face different from how it looked like when he was young. But he was still himself. The same button nose, the same bushy eyebrows, the exact same cheeks, maybe less full than when he was a kid, but the skin there looked exactly the same as it once did. He ran a hand trough his hair, it was the same blue from when he fell of the tree as a kid. He was still Stuart Pot, and he was gonna make sure that everyone knew that.

He got out of the bathroom. Murdoc still screaming his drunk ass off, but Russel was quiet, and he wondered if Noodle was downstairs too. He went to his room and started cleaning up a bit of his mess, not really trying to ignore Murdoc's screams but actually paying attention to his words and rolling his eyes at any part that he found stupid. Something he'd never done before, question Murdoc.

"You wouldn't be a bloody thing without me!" He said, Stuart rolled his eyes at that. "You would be all dead if it wasn't because of me!" That was a lie.

He shook his head to himself as he looked trough his closet. He noticed that the weather was kinda cold when he looked out of the window.

He heard steps coming up the stairs. It was Noodle, looking for him, surely. He heard the bathroom door being open and a loud gasp. Maybe because of the mess he left there with his tears and his blood. Yeah, he was going to clean that up... Sometime. Still, he didn't stop with what he was doing. His door suddendly flew open, to which he turned his head, to see a concerned Noodle, and then watched her sigh, now more relaxed.

"Here you are..." She muttered, running her hands through her face.

"Hi" He said, returning his gaze to his clothes.

"Hey, how you feelin'?" She asked, getting closer to the blue haired man, who smiled at that question.

He knew exactly what to answer. He wasn't just fine anymore, that was for sure.

"Awful" He answered, taking one of his jackets and putting it on.

Noodle raised an eyebrow, puzzled at the answer she got. 2D was smiling, why, if he felt awful, as he just said? Also, he always said that he was fine, what was different now?

He walked to the door of his room, and Noodle followed him when she realised that he was going out.

"You know Murdoc can be an ass..." She said, to which 2D nodded with his head. That was another weird answer. Usually he would just shrug and look down. "You don't reserve any of this."

"I know" He answered, now going downstairs, Noodle still following.

On the living room were Murdoc and Russel, now both quiet. Murdoc sitting on the couch, bottles of beer surrounding him, while Russel was standing in front of him, a large distance between them. Murdoc looked dead, Russel looked tired. Still, both pair of eyes got on 2D as he entered the room.

"Dee?" Russel said, surprised at seeing him out of his room, and a band-aid on top of the cut on his cheek. He then noticed the jacket he was wearing and how he was walking towards the door "Where are you going? It's three am." He said as he stepped closer to the singer.

Stuart's gaze jumped from Noodle to Russel, from Russel to Murdoc and vice versa. Murdoc was looking at him curiosly, as this was such a weird demeanor from him.

"I dunno" He said ", but I need to get out of here." He then added. The worried faces of his friends didn't take a long time to appear.

"I-I can go with you." Noodle said, forcing a smile, clearly worried about 2D since something strange was clearly going on with him.

But Stuart shook his head.

"No thank you." He muttered, and then oppened the door "I wanna be alone."

"And when are you coming back?"

He shrugged, and waved goodbye before he got out of the house and closed the door behind himself, taking a deep breath and sighing slowly. He felt like pure shit. But it felt amazing because it felt like something.

He then proceeded to walk around, looking at everything around him. Nothing was that interesting, considering it was three in the morning that wasn't something he should be surprised at. A light cold breeze was hitting his face, keeping him awake. Not that he felt tired, no, not at all, in fact, he was sure that he wasn't going to be able to sleep that night. That much emotion he was feeling kept his heart beating hard and fast and his mind jumping from thought to thought. Until he stopped at one topic in specific.

His painkillers. Well, not exactly. He was thinking about how he used them. Basically, everytime he wanted to escape from something, he swallowed a handful of them, sometimes even more, he usually didn't pay attention to that. He sort of wished he had his pills with him at the moment, since his head was killing him but he didn't really want to go back to the house to look for them. So he just tried to ignore the pain.

He looked back, and as his gaze found that house where those who he considered his family were probably arguing, he wanted to escape, go as far away as he could, and as he took a deep breath, he ran. He ran as fast as his legs let him, he closed his eyes, he wanted to scream. By every step a new memory got to his mind. Everytime he just stayed quiet under the screams Murdoc gave. How he just let him hit him, and destroy him.

He remembered that time, that exact day when he looked trough the window everyone was looking at, terrified, and by doing that he instantly lost himself. By the time he woke up again, missing two teeth, his normaly blue eyes now completely black, full of his own blood, Stuart was already lost. The first time he was called 2D, Stuart Pot walked away and didn't even say goodbye.

He remembered everytime his head hurt, knocking him down on his bed and the house was extremely loud, so he couldn't even sleep his pain away. So he just got numb by countless pills. He remembered the first time he did that, and then everytime that action was repeated. He remembered every panic attack he got after realising he was out of his painkillers. He got so out of breath he was knocked unconscious, finally sleeping his needs, the feelings that he now knew that were trying to get out.

He also remembered when he was locked inside that room, underwater. With that fake Noodle, someone who was suppossed to replace who he considered his little sister. They were supossed to act as if that damn machine was Noodle. He couldn't do it, he was constantly afraid of that damn thing that was constantly looking at him blankly, but threateningly. He missed Noodle, and as he felt himself wanting to escape, he also missed Russel, and he missed himself, and he missed his life.

He missed being alive.

But now that he was, he was also so confused. He thought it would be amazing when he felt something but now he was crying nonstop, and his throat hurt and he was now shaking, breathless. He wanted it to stop. He didn't want to feel that way anymore. But he also didn't want to be numb again.

He looked around, he still recognised the street. He didn't want that, he wanted to go to the other extreme of the world, somewhere where no one would know who he was and he could get everyone to call him Stuart, or Stu, just like his mom did. He couldn't help but smile as he remembered his mom. She was such a nice woman. Now she was dead. But he thought that was for the better, he wouldn't want her to see him like this. A full adult crying like a little kid, not understanding his feelings like a teenager. Crying because he missed his childhood, he missed his old life. He didn't want to be 2D, the singer from Gorillaz anymore. He wanted to go back to be Stu, the young man that loved working at his uncle's music shop, the guy that loved just looking at keyboards. That kid that was just playing around when fell off the tree and was scared when blue hair started to grow out of his head.

Stuart walked towards a park bench, out of breath after running, and sat there. Still crying, he wanted to scream, but it was todo early in the morning for doing that. But now that he thought about it... No one was around, the streets were empty, no one would know it was him, if they could even hear him. So he got up, gave a few steps, put his hands around his mouth and took the deepest breath he's ever taken in his life.

"I HATE YOU!" He screamed, obviously referring to Murdoc, and he felt that he ran out of air just by that. His chest was full and his throat sore. The tears still rolling down his pink cheeks. He took a breath again "You ruined my entire life, you-You asshole!" He let out a loud son "Y-You made me want to die." He whispered as he felt his throat closing against his voice. He just couldn't speak louder than that.

He started shaking so hard that he couldn't stand on his feet anymore. He felt to the ground on his knees. And as he hugged himself, he started sobbing so hard he couldn't hear his heartbeats anymore. His head was killing him, it hurt so bad. He felt he needed to puke, but he just swallowed it, trying to ignore the need. And with just a few sobs more, His already blurry vission went completely black. Just like his eyes did over twenty years ago.


	2. Reacting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2D starts acting as his impulses were telling him.

When he opened his eyes, he wished he was greeted by the room he spent his childhood in. And he wished that he woke up because his dad entered his room telling him to wake up because otherwise he would be late to school. He wished that once he was already dressed he was greeted by a nice breakfast that his mom prepared for the three of them every morning that she could. He wished he had those kisses on his forehead that both of his parents gave him as a goodbye. But no, he recognised his own mess, and the dark curtains he put up when his head was hurting.

Talking about headaches, he was having one at the moment. He tried to sit up on the bed, but he was stopped.

"No, no, no, no" Stuart heard a feminine voice telling him. It wasn't hard to guess whose voice that was, especially with that distinctive japanese accent she had. Noodle put her hands on Stuart's shoulders and pushed him back on the bed softly, to which he furrowed, still not opening his eyes fully as the light coming from the window just made his headache even worse.

"M'head hurts." He mumbled, and Noodle nodded with her head.

"Yeah, I know." She answered, quietly, reaching for the bottle of painkillers and taking out two pills. That was a lot less than what he usually took. She handed them to him with also a glass of water she apparently had there already, but Stuart swallowed the pills without the water, to which Noodle looked at him a couple seconds before sighing and putting the glass down on the nightsand. "I'm going to tell Russel you're awake, okay? Don't do anything stupid." She spoke as she got up of the bed, but didn't move until Stuart nodded with his head.

"Okay" He muttered.

She then got out of the room, and he was left alone.

He wondered, what happened? He remembered running away, he remembered crying, and screaming to the skies about how much he hated Murdoc, and then- What happened then? How did he get to his room?

Why did they bring him back? He didn't want to get back to that house. He wanted to go back to Crawley. Oh, how much he missed Crawley.

He was left alone with his own thoughts, until the door opened again, revealing a concerned looking Russel, with Noodle standing behind him.

Stuart turned to see the drummer, and didn't say a single word, but Russel looked surprised as he got closer.

"What happened, man?" He asked, and when Stuart gave him a weird look, he added "Your eyes are white."

"Ah" He simply said, and sighed ", I dunno, been like that since yesterday." He shrugged "Why am I here?"

"Because this is your room-"

"No, I mean-What happened?" He muttered, his voice still shaking.

"I have no idea, Dee" He cringed at the nickname, but Russel didn't seem to notice ", we got worried, went out looking for him, Noods found ya' unconscious in the middle of the park, called me and we brought you here." He explained "You don't remember anything?" T  
He asked.

Stuart shook his head. He was lying, of course, because he did remember what happened before that, but he just didn't want to talk about it, so he pretended that he didn't know what happened.

"What's going on, huh?" Russel suddendly said, taking Stuart by surprise "You just run away and we have to go and look for you- This isn't common, man."

The blue haired man sighed, a long sigh that almost left him without any air inside his lungs. The air of that house was so weird, it was a mixture of Noodle's perfume, Russel's deodorant and Murdoc's natural stinky nature. It was so strange, and Stuart didn't know if he liked that smell. He remembered how his childhood house used to smell, it always smelled nice, clean, sometimes even smelled like some pastry his mom baked, and it was so nice entering the house and getting that sweet smell of recently baked cookies coming from the kitchen.

He shrugged after he got back to the real world, out of his head.

"I dunno." He mumbled. " 'M tired." He then added, closing his eyes.

"You wanna sleep?" Russel asked, in a low voice. Stuart shook his head no.

"I meant-I'm tired of livin' like this, Russ." He explained, his voice on a shaky whisper.

Silence. He couldn't see what Russel or Noodle were doing, since he had his eyes closed, and he also had no intention on opening them. He liked the dark that his closed eyelids gave his vission. It felt like he was resting even thought he was awake. He really did need to rest.

"Murdoc is such an ass." Noodle spoke, probably searching a reaction from her big brother. He chuckled.

"He is." Stuart mumbled. "I hate him, so much."

"And we can't blame you." She said, sitting on the bed again, next to Stuart.

"He isn't here, you know?" Russel said, after just a few seconds of silence.

"Really?"

"Yeah, you can talk as much shit about him as you want." The three of them chuckled, but the blue haired man shook his head.

"No" He mumbled ", 's okay."

"I can't believe that you're still here, 2D." Noodle suddendly said, sounden agitated, angry, even.

"Stuart" He said, making the young woman stop her coming up ramble.

"Huh?"

"The name's Stuart." He explained, finally sitting on the bed and opening his eyes again. He found Noodle and Russel looking at him weird. "It was Murdoc who called me 2D on first place, I don't want it."

"Oh... Okay." She looked away a couple seconds, and took a deep breath before continuing her ramble. "Well, Stuart, it still seems weird that you are here, after all of these years! How can you stand him? Why didn't you run away years ago? If I were you, I would have done that, and-"

"I tried." Stuart interrupted her, not wanting to see her that angry anymore. "I tried to run away countless times, actually." He brought his hands to his face. His chest felt tight. "It doesn't matter what I do, he always finds me." His voice broke.

Russel opened his mouth to say something, but was interrumpted by the sound of the front door being opened and then closed with a loud bang. That was Murdoc. The drummer looked at the girl sitting in the bed. They both looked terrified as 2D-Well, Stuart, was on the verge of the tears and now Murdoc was back home. They expected him to arrive the next morning, maybe drunk, maybe hungover, but no, he was back much sooner that they hoped.

Stuart took a deep breath, and rubbed his closed eyes with his hands, cleaning up the tears that were about to fall. He wasn't going to cry again. He already cried enough.

"Where the bloody hell is everyone at?!" Murdoc spoke downstairs, and Noodle sighed, getting up from Stuart's bed and going out of the room, Russel following her, but didn't go out of the room before looking back at the singer and giving him a thumb up. Stuart didn't really know what did that mean, but he quickly forgot about that as he heard Murdoc's voice again. "Where have you two been?" He asked, sounding so casual, as if he hasn't ruined anyone's life. Stuart got up of his bed, feeling dizzy once he was standing up, but brushed it aside and walked towards the door of the room, pressing his ear against it, trying to hear as much as he could.

"We were on 2D's room-" Noodle speaked, but was quickly interrumpted.

"Ah! So you found that bastard, huh?" Murdoc laughed, that weird and ugly laugh he had that sent shivers down to Stuart's spine. "Where is he?"

"In his room" Russel answered, but then added ", why do you care? I thought you only wanted him because he can sing."

"How dare you?" Murdoc sounded offended, but Stuart knew that fake tone of his voice way too well. He always used it trying to sound innocent, trying to convince people that the occasional bruises on Stuart's skin weren't his fault, making people believe that the singer was just stupid and didn't know how to walk correctly, always tripping. He couldn't help but groan annoyed after hearing that tone on Murdoc's voice. "2D is family!" He heard steps coming up the stairs. He was surely going to lock himself in his room or whatever. Still, Stuart hold his breath unconsciously.

"Murdoc, I don't think that's a great idea-" Noodle tried to say, but didn't finish.

It wasn't too long until Stuart found out what was Noodle talking about. The door of his room was fully opened, and as he was leaning his full weight in it, he fell down, face first against the floor.

"2D!" He heard Noodle exclaim, and he wanted to correct her, his name was Stuart, but Murdoc's ugly laugh got his attention.

"Do you plan on stop being so stupid sometime, huh?" He said between laughs.

Stuart frowned, and sat on the floor, bringing his hand to his nose. It hurt so bad. He looked up to Murdoc, who was still laughing, but stopped when he saw Stuart's eyes.

"What happened to you?" He asked, now extremely serious. He grabbed Stuart's arm and pulled it making him stand up, close to him. Stuart smelled the scent of cigarettes and liquor. He didn't like it, he enjoyed both things, he just didn't enjoy Murdoc's breath so close to him.

"Why would you care?" He said between his teeth, trying to get loose of Murdoc's hold on his arms, as his long nasty nails were digging on his already pretty sensitive skin. Stuart hissed at the pain.

"Because you're the singer of my band and you can't just go around looking like that!" He screamed, now pushing Stuart to the floor again, making him hit his head against the wall.

"Murdoc, leave him alone!" Noodle spoke, now kneeling down next to Stuart and checking his arm. It wasn't bleeding, thankfuly.

"Don't intervene, luv." Niccals simply said.

"What is wrong with you, man?" Russel also said, walking towards Murdoc, and looking down at him threathingly.

"What-" He gave a loud and dry laugh "What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him! Going around trying to make everything about him! Of course he just wants attention and you're falling for his games! He's just a stupid and useless piece of shi-"

Of course, while Murdoc was rambling Stuart reacted. He got up from the floor while all the attention was on Murdoc, and growing annoyed at every single word that was leaving that stupid green mouth of his. He was planning on walking away, but no, he couldn't stand it anymore, and he wasn't going to live with it anymore.

So he just got past Noodle, who was standing between the two of them, and punched Murdoc right in the face, finally shutting him up.

"Shut the fuck up!" He screamed. It wasn't super loud, Stuart was never loud, but it was loud for him, which was something no one expected.

"Who do you think you are?!" Murdoc said, after a couple seconds where everyone was silent, not knowing what to say, everyone surprised. Of course, 2D never reacted to anything Murdoc said about him, he never acted back, he never did anything unless he was told to.

It took just a punch against Stuart's cheeck to start a fight between the two of them, and Stuart felt incredibly powerful as he hit Murdoc, made him groan out of pain, making him bleed, just like Murdoc had been doing to him for more that twenty years. He wanted to scream when Russel grabbed him by the shoulders and put himself between Stuart and Murdoc.

"What are you doing?!" Murdoc asked "He deserves it!"

"Shut up!" Noodle exclaimed, making Murdoc look at her "Get out! Get out of this house right now! I don't care where you go just get out!" She screamed, now tears rolling down her cheecks. Stuart felt guilty, he felt like it was his fault that now Noodle was crying.

"I-" Murdoc tried to say, of course he wasn't going to fight with Noodle, she was his weak point, everyone knew that. He seemed hurt, and he clearly didn't know what to say. Noodle was their little princess, no one wanted to hurt her, but now she was crying loudly, shaking and giving Murdoc the coldest glare he has even seen on her face. "B-But he-" He still tried to excuse himself.

Stuart felt Russel's hold soften, and then he just let go of him, now standing next to Noodle and trying to confort her. Russel was always the one to confort Noodle and 2D, he was always there for them and Stuart now felt extremely guilty. He made Noodle cry, he had Russel worrying for him for over twenty years, he felt awful. Can he go numb again? He didn't want to feel that way anymore.

"Please get out." Noodle whispered, just loud enough to be heard.

Murdoc sighed, and did as Noodle said. He didn't look at anyone, he didn't even gave a single glare at Stuart, he just walked past by, and got out.

Noodle took a few seconds to calm down, stop crying, and finally turning to see Stuart, who was looking at the floor, a hand under his nose since it was bleeding. He had scratches, cuts and bruises all over his skin, and that was only what wasn't covered with his clothes. He wondered if he looked as hurt as he felt.

"Stuart" She spoke, and he looked up. His lip was cut, his nose was bleeding, and she couldn't see it, but his mouth was full of blood because he bit the inside of his cheek with so much strengt that it was now bleeding.

Still, he brought the hand that was under his nose now under his chin, preparing for catch all the blood coming from his nose and his mouth.

" 'M sorry." He said as he could, trying to keep most of the blood from falling, but Noodle looked horrified at that, and Russel looked pretty worried too.

His eyes were black once again.


	3. Thinking.

He hissed at the pain he felt when Noodle was cleaning up his wounds. He was holding an ice pack against his head, where he hit his head against the wall. He truly wanted to die.

"How are you feelin'?" Russel asked, leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed and looking at him with such a soft gaze that it made Stuart kind of feel like a kid once again. He wasn't sure if he liked it, probably not.

"Everythin' hurts." He mumbled, and Russel sighed loudly.

The drummer sat in the edge of the bathtub, right next to Stuart, and looked at him, trying to figure out what was happening with him. Stuart noticed that, Russel was trying to understand him, but not even Stuart understood himself.

" 'M sorry." He mumbled, not knowing what else what to say. Noodle stopped with what she was doing, and looked at him in silence. Her eyes red and puffy, her face had a frown, her lips were pouting.

"Why are you sorry?" She asked softly, her voice still weak.

He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry a lot lately. His vission got blurier than it already was. The tears were trying to fall and he was trying against it. He really didn't like crying.

"I-I-" He cleared his throath. "I don't know what's happening to me, Noodle, I-I-I didn't want to make you cry, and I don't want to cry-" He couldn't finish his sentence. His throat closed around his voice, breaking it, he was on the edge of the tears. He was going to explode.

"Hey, hey, Stu..." Noodle mumbled softly and cupping Stuart's face between her hands gently and he leaned against her touch. "It's okay to cry, hun" She said ", you can cry if you feel like you need to, no one is going to judge you for that."

So he cried. He sobbed, he shaked, he hiccuped, he didn't hold anything back. He didn't like crying, or maybe it was that he wasn't used to it. Anyways, he didn't want to cry anymore, but now that he was crying he couldn't stop. He tried to stop but he couldn't help himself. Oh, dear, he was an absolute mess.

He felt Russel's hand against his back, and he just cried harder at that. What was happening to him? Why did he start to feel so much? He didn't want to feel that way anymore, he didn't like crying so much and not understand why. He really missed being happy.

" 'M sorry." He mumbled between sobs " 'M s-so sorry." He repeated. And he kept repeating how sorry he was but it still didn't feel enough.

"There's nothing to be sorry about." Russel said softly. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"B-But I- I punched Murdoc on the face-"

"And who can blame you?" Noodle interrupted, knowing that Stuart was feeling guilty for something that he shouldn't feel that way about. "That's not the best way to solve problems, sure, but hey, I totally get why you did that."

"I-I don't get it" He cried ", w-why do I feel like this?"

"You've been through a lot, Stu." Russel spoke, now holding the ice pack for the blue haired man since he was having trouble cleaning up the tears from his face with just one hand. "Honestly, I was waiting for this day, for something like this to happen, I was worried 'cause you weren't able to defend yourself." He said, in such a low and comforting tone of voice that made Stuart stop shaking so much. He seemed to have calmed down. "But you are doin' something now, man, doesn't matter what, it's something, and I feel proud of you."

Stuart took a deep breath, and smiled. Just a tiny little toothless smile, but it seemed to he enough since both Noodle and Russel seemed much less worried than before.

"You mean tha'?" He asked, still crying but so much softly that it seemed like he was going to stop soon.

"Of course he does, Stu." Noodle spoke, petting the man's hair softly, making him chuckle. "We're both super proud of you! Murdoc was so surprised when you punched him!" She laughed a little bit.

"He looked like he was goin' to cry." Russel added, and Stuart chuckled again.

"That would be a new." He mumbled.

Once Stuart's wounds were all cleaned up and covered up (except the one on the inside part of his cheek, that would be very unfomfortable), he was sitting on the couch, completely in silence. He would be usually watching a movie or something like that, but know he was too deep into his own mind, he didn't even notice that the sun was going down, he just sat there, blank expression on his face, his legs crossed and his fingers fiddling around, not knowing when or how to stop. He looked so lost, but of course, he didn't know that.

He was just thinking, how did he get there? Like, what happened? What could he have done to end differently? Was there something he could have done that awful day to prevent that damn car to collide against his head? Maybe if he moved just a couple steps to the side it wouldn't have been him who was hit by the car. Maybe it would have been someone who didn't have any musical talent, so Murdoc wouldn't drag them into the stupid band he was trying to form. Or maybe someone who was more mentally stable, not like him. God, he was such a mess. He couldn't even take care of himself, he didn't even eat well if Russel or Noodle didn't made sure he did. Why should they take care of him? He was an adult, he should know how to take care of himself, but he didn't know how, so he had Noodle and Russel always worrying about him, not being able to relax since it seemed that there was always something going on with Suart- Well, 2D, that was who he was now, the stupid grown ass forty years old man who didn't know how to take care of himself so he had his friends babysitting him. He was 2D, the one that never knew what was going on and now it wasn't any different.

Why did he think of Stuart and 2D as two different people? Well, they seemed like it, but no, they were the same person. Is just that- Stuart was so happy, so content with his life, he had so much to do and dreams that had him so excited. But 2D smiled even thought he didn't know if he should be smiling, the one that was always drunk or high since he didn't know how to deal with his emotions while being sober-Well, he didn't know how to deal with his emotions drunk either, it just seemed like he didn't had to worry about that when his head was spinning out of his body. They seemed like two opposites but they were actually the same guy. Stuart just got his life ruined by someone else and got nicknamed as 2D.

He didn't want to be there anymore.

So he got up, and walked towards his room. No one seemed to notice that. He locked himself inside his room and looked around. God, even his room was a mess, just like him.

He sighed, and after a couple seconds of just standing there, he exploded.

He suddendly felt so angry. It wasn't his fault he couldn't do anything by himself! His life was ruined by someone else and now he was just a pathetic piece of shit!

He grabbed his notebook, looked trough the pages, full of lyrics of songs he wrote even thought he didn't know what he was talking about. He hated them. He ripped the pages off, every single one of them. He tore them apart, and threw what was left against the wall. He started shaking and a rush of adrenaline was running through his veins. His breath got fast and uneven. He felt like the world started spinning around him. He wanted to puke but he was still so angry, he got near the keyboard that was next to his bed. If only he wasn't so passionate about this damn thing he wouldn't be there.

He picked the keyboard, the one he composed countless melodies with, and crashed it against the floor, the keys flying around the room.

And he kept destroying everything in his room, all of his instruments, every notebook that was filled with lyrics and melodies written all over them. Shit, even the outfits he wore for different music videos were destroyed, the pants, the shirts, every damn thing. And if all of that wasn't enough, he walked towards the bottle full with painkillers, opened it and emptied it on his hand, some of the pills falling to the floor.

But his door suddendly flew open. There stood Russel, looking extremely worried and scared. Fuck, he's done it again. He didn't even notice when he started crying again but now it was obvious as his sobs got caught in his throat.

"Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that!" He rushed next to 2D and slapped the pills out of his hand. The taller finally let out a loud sob, and as he looked about to lose his balance and fall, Russel hugged him, pressing him against his chest. 2D didn't fight back, he just hugged Russel back and cried against his chest. Why was he crying so much, godamit? He didn't want to cry anymore! But he couldn't help it! He did it again! There was Russel once again taking care of him, exactly what he didn't want.

What was wrong with him? Why was he like this?

He noticed Noodle got there, and looked trough the dissaster he just made. He heard her sigh, and wanted to cry harder. Why couldn't he just dissappear? Wouldn't that make everything easier for everyone?

He felt like he was running out of air, his lungs were screaming. He took a few steps back, letting go of Russel and gasping for air. Everything was spinning around him and he couldn't stand straight anymore. He was running out of air. He fell back down, thankfuly he fell right on top of his bed. He didn't know what was happening with him and he wanted to know so desperately, his sobs were loud and that only made it harder to breath.

"Stu, please, breath" Noodle spoke, but 2D had to think about it a couple seconds before understanding what she was saying. ", please, look at me." He did, still trying to catch his breath.

"I-I-I-" He tried to say, but Noodle shook her head.

"Hey, It's okay, just breathe, yeah?" He nodded, and tried to do as told, but suddendly it felt extremely hard to do. "Stu, in and out, okay? Follow me." She kneeled on the floor and held his hand, not breaking the eye contact and guiding him.

In and out, in and out. A couple more times and 2D's breathing was now steady again. He sighed once he calmed down, and hid his face between his hands. He felt so embarassed. Why wasn't he able to take care of himself? Murdoc was right, he was so useless.

"You okay, Stu?" Russel asked, obviously knowing that he wasn't completely okay, just wanting to know if he was feeling any better.

2D was going to correct him, again, tell him, he wasn't Stu anymore, he haven't been Stu for a long time and he wasn't able of going back to be him. But he didn't want to focus on that, because he knew that was just a stupid idea of his. Of course he was Stu, 2D was just a nickname, it was just something stupid that he felt, like Stuart and 2D were two different people even thought he was both of them.

"I don't know" He mumbled ", I don't think so?" He forced a laugh, making fun of himself. He was just so stupid, it had to be a joke.

Russel sighed, and looked at Noodle, who looked back at him worried. Apparently, no one knew what was going on with 2D, not even himself.

That night, he wasn't able to sleep. He was staring at the ceiling, looking at the lights coming from the cars that passed by, moving on the ceiling. What was he thinking about? Nothing, really. He was tired, and felt frustrated since he didn't seem to be able to sleep. He wanted so bad to fall asleep, to numb all of this emotions at least for a couple more hours, but he just couldn't fall asleep.

He wanted to die.

Hi sighed, and turned around, now looking at his window with closed curtains. He didn't want to see the mess he made out of his room. It looked like a storm happened inside his room. But no, it just was some weird looking guy that didn't understand his feelings.

Suddendly, his door opened softly. He felt scared. It was so early in the morning, there was no way that it was Russel, or Noodle. There was only one person in the house that was commonly awake at hours like that.

Murdoc.

What was he doing there? Why was he in his room? Was he searching revenge for what happened the day prior?

He heard Murdoc gasp. Of course, that was because of the mess. He also heard soft and careful steps getting closer to him. 2D closed his eyes shut and pretended to be asleep, but he was sure that he was shaking. He expected Murdoc to do something bad to him, hit him, kick him, scream at him, maybe even take his pillow and press it against his face. But he did nothing. He just stood there. 2D could feel his eyes over him, and he didn't know how to react, so he just continued pretending that he was asleep.

He felt Murdoc move some blue locks from his face softly, and then walk back to the door again. A couple seconds more and Murdoc was gone, leaving 2D all alone in his room once again.

Once he knew he was alone, he let go of all the air he was unconcsiously containing inside his lungs in a loud shaky sigh.

What was that?


	4. Changing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone shows some change.

2D didn't sleep well. That wasn't new, he expected to sleep soundly after having felt so many emotions in such a short time. Still, he couldn't sleep. He was having trouble sleeping before Murdoc entered his room, but once Niccals had left his room he knew he just wasn't going to sleep through the night. In that he was wrong, yes he did fall sleep once, but he spent more time awake than asleep. Quite a bit more, actually.

So now that the sun was coming through his curtains, he felt terribly. He didn't want to get up, and maybe he could lie on his bed all day. That way he wouldn't have to see Murdoc nor would he be forced to face his emotions like the adult man he was (because if he was honest, he had no idea how to do that). He smiled at the cute thought of hiding in his bed, away from the whole world, and brought the sheets of his bed to the top of his head, after which he sighed with a smile, and turned to the side, hiding his face in his pillow and closing his eyes.

But his door opened, to which he quickly opened his eyes, seeing nothingness as he was completely covered with his sheets. He heard footsteps approach him, to which he turned again, still under the covers.

"Stu?" He heard the voice of Russel, who spoke softly to him "You're awake, right?" He asked.

2D lowered the sheets, exposing his face.

"Yeah, what's happenin'?" He asked quietly, and, without expecting it, he sounded much more helpless than he would like to sound. What's more, helpless wasn't what he wanted to sound like at all, even if he felt that way.

"I just wanted to tell you that Noodle and I are going out to buy some stuff, we'll be back soon, 'kay?" He smiled, 2D knew it was only to make him feel safe. He also knew the reason for this, because if Noodle and Russel weren't at home, that meant 2D was left alone with Murdoc, and that usually didn't turn out well.

2D sighed and nodded. 

"Do you need anythin' from the store?" The drummer asked, to which the younger shook his head. "Okay, see ya'."

"See you." 2D repeated quietly, and once Russel was out of his room he covered his face again under his covers.

If he didn't want to get out of bed before, now that feeling was a thousand times greater. Murdoc and 2D together without anyone to function as a mediator used to be chaos, one he no longer wanted to be a part of, so his solution was to escape, disappear until Russel and Noodle returned.

He hated Murdoc and what he had made him become. Why would he want to face him, especially on his own? No, it sounded way better to be hidden. But after a few minutes of lying there, his stomach began to roar for food. Hunger was not something that bothered him, no, he could avoid leaving his room and therefore not eat anything, that was not a problem for him. The problem was that if Noodle or Russel found out that he hadn't had breakfast they would be very mad. A while back he had promised them he would start eating all he should, and he really didn't want to break that promise, not after how happy they looked when he started gaining weight.

So after a few seconds, he sighed, and got up from his bed. A chill ran down his spine as his skin met the cold air, but he ignored it. He would get used to it. He put his hands on his face, and after a few seconds, he opened the door and went to the kitchen, looking at his feet. He hardly noticed that he had different socks on each foot. Once he was in the kitchen, he looked up for something to eat, but he was in for a not-so-cute surprise when he found Murdoc instead, leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand.

They both looked at each other in silence for a few seconds. 2D had the luxury of observing the many wounds on Murdoc's face, they were mostly bruises, the most noticeable on his right cheek, where he had made the first hit. And he felt frozen at such a memory. Murdoc was going to do something to him, he was going to hurt him, and now that 2D was alone he would no longer have the courage to do something against him. He felt his body freeze, and Murdoc's eyes did not move, they continued to analyze him. He felt that he wanted to cry, but Murdoc didn't like to see him cry, he didn't know it thanks to sweet gestures trying to comfort him, no, he knew it thanks to various complaints and insults, thanks to kicks that only managed to make him cry even more and he continued until someone came to rescue poor 2D. And how much he wished that someone would come to his salvation, because he really didn't want to cry in front of Murdoc.

When he sighed, 2D closed his eyes, expecting the worst, already feeling the tears about to fall and his entire body shaking like crazy.

"You really left a mess in your room." He commented, calmly, strangely calm. This didn't reassure 2D. He remembered when Murdoc entered his room the night before, and had to hold back a sob that he wanted to get out. He had seen the mess he'd left in his room that he still hadn't deigned to clean up. Murdoc was going to kill him, 2D was sure that Murdoc was going to kill him. He broke all his instruments and destroyed the still unused lyrics. Of course Murdoc was going to be upset! 2D was nothing without his instruments, and the singer of his band couldn't be nothing!

"I-I'm sorry." He muttered, and wondered if Murdoc had heard him, since he didn't say anything else. After a few seconds of silence, he finally opened his eyes little by little, thus finding Murdoc watching him, with surprise on his face, perhaps. When their gazes met, the shorter man's eyes drifted to one side, and when the blue-haired one knew he wasn't going to be hit, he finally relaxed a bit, and burst into tears. That was something he was doing quite often lately. Should he get used to it? Would he still cry as much as he was doing it at the moment?

Still, he maintained his position, his fists on both sides and his posture completely straight. He trembled but his posture was unaffected, or at least he tried.

When his sobs came out of his mouth, Murdoc looked back at him in surprise, and set his cup of coffee aside.

"Aw, shit-" He groaned softly as he took a few steps closer to the taller one. "Don't cry." He said simply, sounding more like an order, and sighed when 2D didn't stop. "Please?" He then added, thus obtaining the same result as before, to which he looked around nervously. 2D didn't understand what was going on until Murdoc hugged him, made him lean forward a little, and after realizing that what Murdoc was trying to do was comfort him, he returned the hug, allowing himself to squeeze Murdoc into his arms and rest his head on his shoulder. He heard him mumble a couple of things he didn't quite understand, but Murdoc did nothing to take 2D away from himself, thus letting him release all those emotions that he had kept in those few seconds.

When was the last time something like this happened? Never. That had never happened, it was the first time in more than twenty years that Murdoc had shown that kind of compassion to 2D, and he felt so... Weird.

Still, when all that crying ended, none said anything, 2D out of fear, and Murdoc, surely, out of enormous pride. The shorter one returned to his cup of coffee, and left the kitchen without saying a word. 2D stood there for a few more seconds, thinking about what had just happened, before remembering what he was in the kitchen for.

What was happening to Murdoc and those strange gestures of gentleness? What was happening with 2D's life? Suddenly he began to feel so many things, and he began to cry for the smallest thing, suddenly he explodes and breaks everything in his room, and on that, Murdoc begins to behave better with him literally from one day to the next. What was happening to the world? It couldn't be that good, surely something bad was going to happen soon, because Murdoc just couldn't be good without a selfish reason behind it, it was always like that. Why would it be different now?

It was a little longer before Russel and Noodle returned. They announced their arrival and thus brought 2D out of his musings. He looked up from the sad bowl of cereal with milk that had been prepared almost unconsciously, and found Noodle walking into the kitchen, surprised to see him there.

"Your eyes." It was the first thing she said, approaching 2D and holding his face in her hands, inspecting him. "They are white again."

"A-Are they really?" He asked, and Noodle nodded.

"It's starting to worry me." She added.

"What?" Russel asked, just entering the kitchen. Noodle turned and pointed at 2D's face, and Russel seemed to immediately understand what was happening.

"I would worry if my eyes start to change color suddenly." The young woman explained, to which Russel nodded, also approaching the singer, who lowered his gaze but the other two wouldn't notice that because of how hidden his pupils were in his eyes. 

"Were you crying?" Russel asked suddenly.

"Huh?"

"I asked if you were cryin', your eyes are puffy." The drummer repeated. 

2D sighed, and after a few seconds nodded. 

"Why?" Noodle asked, clearly concerned.

"I-" He bit his lower lip nervously before continuing to speak. "I-I thought- I thought Murdoc was going to- Uhm- To hit me." He muttered.

Noodle was about to answer, probably to insult Murdoc, but Russel held up a finger, motioning for her to wait.

"You thought?" He asked, to which 2D nodded. "He didn't hit you?" Now he shook his head. "And what did he do?"

2D wasn't going to say that Murdoc hugged him, because if he did then Murdoc would seriously kill him. So he lied. 

"Nothing." He muttered.

Noodle and Russel looked at each other, both confused. 2D just waited for either of them to say something. 

"Why did you think he was going to hit you?" Noodle asked suddenly.

2D wanted the interrogation to end. Murdoc hadn't hit him, that was all that mattered. 

"Because I-I broke my, uh, my instruments." He replied, his voice trembling and making it sound like a question. He wasn't going to cry again, no, his voice was only weak and he was starting to tremble. Which was weird since he used his voice a lot, he was a singer after all.

Silence again, 2D wanted to escape. 

"I'll be right back." Noodle muttered before leaving the kitchen and going to who knows where, without leaving the house, 2D deduced, since he didn't hear the front door.

Russel sighed, bringing the taller man's gaze to rest on him again, and sat down at the table where the four of them used to have breakfast together. That hadn't happened in a while. The drummer looked up at the singer who was watching him curiously, and smiled when he noticed what he was holding in his hands.

"Hey, you're already doin' it alone." He commented, referring to the bowl 2D was holding, with his breakfast in it. The one with the blue hair looked down at the object in his hands, puzzled, and smiled when he noticed what Russel was referring to.

"Heh, yeh." He nodded, then put a large spoonful of milk and cereal in his mouth just looking to make Russel proud. 

He laughed a little.

2D sat opposite Russel, noting that he was still inspecting his face. Surely because of his eyes. 

"It doesn't hurt." He said referring to the change in his eyes. 

Russel smiled, but it seemed to be a fake smile, one to leave 2D alone. But he wasn't calm, he didn't like to have his friends so worried about him all the time.

He was an adult man, he shouldn't have his friends taking care of him as if he was a child.


End file.
